Normally, I’m not the one to research about illnesses online and be convinced I have the illness. Usually I’m the opposite: it took me forever to admit I had trich, carpal tunnel, anxiety, depression and I’m just starting to admit I might have a back problem despite the fact it’s been aching on and off for several years now. However, in this case, I’m mildly convinced I have it and it’s gone undiagnosed for several years now.
The more I think about it, the more I realise how neuroatypical some of the things I do are. I can kick out anger, depression, giddy and then terrified all before breakfast. And it’s becoming a real problem. I guess I just have a lot of emotions.
I have so many moodswings I can’t keep up with it in my own mind any more. A lot of the time I just feel empty and then I get seriously angry for no reason at all. I start crying at episodes of Glee – Glee. That is a statement that bleeds irony. The last argument I had with my girlfriend involved a minute of me screaming angrily at her, then I started crying at her feet begging her not to leave me. I’m not sure what I consider that, but I’m fairly certain it’s not neurotypical. That being said, we don’t actually argue very often… which is very knew for me. Which leads me onto the second reason I think I have BPD: I can’t have a normal relationship. Now, except for the relationship I’m in with my girlfriend Ellie now… all of my relationships have been new levels of dysfuntional and emotionally abusive, on both sides. It would be passionate as hell, often proclaiming myself as ‘would die for the other person’ and then 30 seconds later be screaming at them for how much of a prick they were. For some reason, Ellie is different. We very rarely argue and when we do we manage to end up discussing it like rational adults. I guess they’re just very good at calming me down and dealing with my mood swings.
The only problem with our relationship is I’m terrified that I’m going to be left alone. This isn’t only the case in our relationship: I feel this in regards to my family and my friends… Everything. I have an extremely irrational fear of abandonment and it’s only now at moments when I’m thinking semirationally that I realise that it’s a ridiculous thing to even be considering. That being said, I spend 90% of my day terrified Ellie is just going to realise she was stupid to get involved with me, I’m terrible for her, get up and leave. She says repeatedly that she won’t and I do believe her – sort of. My subconscious just won’t, it keeps yelling about how it’s just a matter of time before she goes and leaves me alone. I’m certain this fear abandonment and certainty that everyone is two steps from leaving is purely delusional – but knowing that doesn’t seem to help. And because of that, I end up being insanely jealous… I can’t stop it and I’m trying to repress those feelings but they just won’t go away.
There are other signs: impulsiveness, urges to self harm, hallucinations, hearing voices, times of feeling suicidal, intrusive thoughts, an unnatural amount of empathy – to the point where I can’t help my friends with their problems because I feed off their mood. If they’re sad, I immediately become depressed, I think about selfharming and I can’t get over that – it’s like their problems are mine all of a sudden. I’m trying to distance myself trying to stop but it’s not that simple at all.
So there we have it, it’s why I think I have BPD. I might be wrong but there’s one thing I know for certain: ever since I researched about the idea of BPD, I’ve suddenly felt like I understand. It’s like all of a sudden I know exactly why I act the way I do, why I do certain things and think a certain way. It all makes sense now.